If you have ever loved a pet, you have experienced loss, or you will. What did you do?
I asked friends online to answer, “What do you do when a beloved pet dies?”
I wasn’t soliciting suggestions for what others should do after a beloved pet dies. Instead, I wanted to read about and, I hoped, to share experiences. I asked them to fill in some background.
Was the loss sudden? Did you fight a long battle to save the pet over time? Was it your first pet loss or one of many over the years? Did you have other pets, or was the pet you lost your only pet then?
After the pet died, did you decide to get another pet (of the same species?) right away, if possible, or did you decide not to get another pet right away, to wait, or to not ever to get another pet?
If you decided to get another pet right away, how soon did you get that pet?
If you decided to wait to get another pet right away, how long did you wait?
If you decided not to get another pet (of that species?), how long has it been (since your pet died)?
In retrospect, how do you feel about the decision you made after your pet died? Did you change your mind eventually? What were the feelings and reasons that caused you to come to a different conclusion later?
Here are some of the thoughtful and poignant answers to my questions:
Jane Finneran (North Carolina) Usually within a month or two.
Ray Sheehan (Virginia) Haven’t for eight years.
Barb Arnett (Washington) I’ve always needed a little time to grieve . . .
Alicia Graybill (Nebraska) I start searching right away, but I may not find the right pet for a while.
Katt Patt (Washington) I would hesitate to get another until I am sure I am ready.
Wuffy Gary Rohde (California) I waited until the time was right. There are no set rules for adopting a second critter. But adopt, don’t shop!
Alison Taub (California) I’ve waited four years, but not because I want to. Just don’t have the circumstances that permit another retriever-type dog and it is so hard not to have one. James Herriot, in all the books, always recommended getting another right away.
Frances Dauster (Alabama) I still “see” Phaedrus snoozing on the sofa in my den. I don’t have that sofa anymore and the couch I have now is across the large den. There’s nothing to indicate there was anything or anyone in that spot. I still come upon the space and ask him, “Are you comfy? You look comfy.” It’s been YEARS. On the sofa, head on the arm rest, facing the door side of the kitchen (open floor plan). I am crying as I type this. My beloved heart dog. 12 years, 4 months, and 20 days.
Photo by Frances Dauster
Jill Gibbs (Montana) I always have to have a dog in my life. Typically, I wait a year or two after losing one to allow another into my heart. Henry, my golden, was the first dog I broke that rule for. I had just lost Cedar, another golden, and was offered Henry. Don’t get me wrong—I went back and forth, wanting him so badly and not wanting him because I felt I needed my heart to heal. Finally, I gave in. Henry’s wonderful breeder, who is now a dear friend, flew with him from New Hampshire to Montana. I never knew how much we needed him until that day. He made us laugh through our tears. The next dog I did that with was Henry’s great nephew, Amos. I had lost two dogs a few months apart—Henry, then Izzy. On a side note, half an hour before I met Amos, my dad passed away on the other side of the country. When I walked into the room with the puppies, Amos bee-lined it to me. I feel it was meant to be.
Lonnie Evans Pearson (North Carolina) We lost one of our dogs while on a trip. He was at a kennel and had what we think was a heart attack and died in the poor girl’s lap while I was on the phone with her. It was so devastating! We flew home that same day to pick up our other one that was there at the kennel with him. She was 14. Not long after, she ended up suddenly passing away. She was my special little girl—I was heartbroken! I would prefer to have waited to even think about getting any more dogs so I could deal with the losses that we had. But if one finds me and is in need of a forever home, then it has one! As much as I wanted to wait with my last two, someone notified me that this Lab was on death row at a year and a half old. We went to see him and he let me know he needed us! How could we let him go, knowing what would happen to him? He is such a sweet and funny, playful boy. Same with my fur girl. She needed a forever home at four months old and we brought her to meet him and that was it. They became our new fur babies a bit sooner than we expected. They are our adopted brother and sister. They get along great, and we are sooo happy to have them! And they are great with the cats that we’ve had, one for 15 years and the second for 11 years.
Stephanie Presdee (United Kingdom) All our dogs over the years have been staggered in ages, I have three veterans now—11, 10, and 9, and I have no doubt another soul will find their way here pretty quickly!
Lynn Ungar (Washington) I always have at least two dogs so that I never have to be without one, or make a decision on a new dog in fresh grief for an old one. Now I have an 11½-year-old and a 7-year-old. I’m looking for a puppy so I won’t have to have fewer than two.
Sarah Adams (Oregon) I try to always have multiple dogs so I don’t have to make decisions while grieving. I did bow to heavy outside pressure a few years ago to keep a pup when I lost my oldest. I hadn’t meant to and I’ve always had a little resentment towards that dog, despite loving her. It wasn’t the right time.
Pat Cresswell (United Kingdom) Get the next dog when you feel ready. This is personal. Perhaps too soon you will try to replace the lost one, but another dog will be a different dog. It is when you feel ready to get another dog. You can never replace one dog with another even if you buy the same sex and same breed, from the same line.
Donna-Leigh Rowley (Ontario) A few months ago my cat of 20 years had to be put down because of CKD. I knew it was her time. I have another cat and they were bonded, so what I did was get a kitten to keep Dusty company after her buddy passed. I probably would’ve waited to get another if I’d had no other pets.
Denise Nuttall (United Kingdom) When we lost our last dog, she had been suffering from something like degenerative myelopathy. She needed a lot of care. When the time came and we knew she was ready, we weren’t ready at all. But we did the right thing by her, as she was clear. I kind of wanted another dog as I was a dog trainer and felt pressured to have a dog. Hubby wasn’t ready at all. It took us over six months to decide that we could get another dog. We didn’t feel ready to risk handing over our hearts yet. We had no other pets and she was badly missed.
Brenda Schultheis (Washington) I’ve had a dog all but a few months of my adult life. Last fall we lost our 13- and 14-year-old labs and our 15-year-old cat, all within five months. Even though they were old, required extra care, and I knew their days were numbered, the amount of grief I’ve experienced has been staggering. I would have adopted already but my husband and I are in our sixties and want to do some extensive traveling before we get another dog. We will, in the future, be open to looking for the right dog, and it will probably be one who finds us with the help of some good humans. I truly believe the right dog will often find us if we are looking and realistic; otherwise, I would have succumbed to “puppy fever” every year.
Lauren Fetterman (California) Adopt ASAP, but it needs to be the right dog/puppy.
Laura Nott (California) Both. Waited when I had to. Also had a dog in training waiting in the wings before other dog passed.
Annie Zeck (Washington) I wait for the right dog. If I only have one left, I get another sooner.
Kristi Cetrulo (New Mexico) Argh . . . I usually have multiple dogs, so I wait. However, now being down to two? I would probably start looking.
Timothy Page (Oregon) We lost our dear Chiquis a year ago. Not knowing that would be coming, we had adopted a one-year-old+ the previous summer. Chiquis was 13. We also have Lalo, 11½ , and now of course Coco, 3.
Kim Campbell (British Columbia) Basically I have always had dogs at the other end of the age spectrum, so have had something. Still, when it is a heart dog that has seen you through a lot, in the end it doesn’t matter . . .
Heidi Joy Clem (Minnesota) It depends on the person. I’ve always waited about a month because I get lonely and it helps me heal to pour that love into a new soul. But some people wait a long time to heal and grieve. I think it also depends on the situation surrounding the death. If it’s a traumatic death, it’s gonna take longer.
Donna Weidert (Washington) I lost my heart dog in November 2012. I still miss him. I had inherited a terrier mix from an elderly neighbor before Jack died, so I have had another dog all this time. But I’m not ready even now for a dog to “replace” Jack. He took part of my heart with him.
Jennifer Grant (New Mexico) Do whatever you want, but take the time you need to grieve and to avoid making a rash choice on a new dog. I usually spend some time to travel away from reminders. On the other hand, another dog can be a welcome distraction when you are grieving.
Therese Malone (Ireland) I’m so emotionally invested in my dogs, I need time to grieve when one has crossed the rainbow bridge, but fate also played a part. I usually had two dogs together, so there was an overlap. When my first heart dog, Lady, passed suddenly at almost 15 years, I had Simba, rescued from the streets at four to five months. He was now 11 and did not deal well with losing his life companion. After four months, Shelley Belli came to live with us at eight weeks old, after my vet told me of a litter of collie pups born to another client. Simba never really accepted her; he tolerated her, but there were no big issues. Shelley developed major health problems and didn’t like other dogs, so when Simba passed at 16 years old, I decided to remain a one-dog household. Shelley became my second heart dog and when she passed from CKD one month shy of her 15th birthday, I was totally devastated. I knew I needed to take time out to grieve—it was months before I could even think of her without tears. It was the first time in 30 years I’d been without a dog, and 17 months later? Still no dog. I knew my next dog would be a senior, but that was all. I took a leap of faith and went to the rescue centre without much hope and . . . fell in love instantly, at first glance, with Kalli, who was 8 years old. She has become my third heart dog and, strangely, embodies elements of my previous four dogs—the look and tenacity of Scamp, the sweet disposition of Lady, the acceptance of Simba, and the intelligence of Shelley. She’s almost 16 years old, with major health issues, and the love of my life. She will be my last dog and I couldn’t have asked for better.
NEXT WEEK: More friends share their experiences—what they did, how they felt about adopting another pet after a beloved pet died, and how their decisions have worked out so far. I hope you’ll join us.
