If you have ever loved a pet, you have experienced loss, or you will. What did you do?
I asked friends online to answer, “What do you do when a beloved pet dies?”
I wasn’t soliciting suggestions for what others should do after a beloved pet dies. Instead, I wanted to read about and, I hoped, to share experiences. I asked them to fill in some background.
Was the loss sudden? Did you fight a long battle to save the pet over time? Was it your first pet loss or one of many over the years? Did you have other pets, or was the pet you lost your only pet then?
After the pet died, did you decide to get another pet (of the same species?) right away, if possible, or did you decide not to get another pet right away, to wait, or to not ever to get another pet?
If you decided to get another pet right away, how soon did you get that pet?
If you decided to wait to get another pet right away, how long did you wait?
If you decided not to get another pet (of that species?), how long has it been (since your pet died)?
In retrospect, how do you feel about the decision you made after your pet died? Did you change your mind eventually? What were the feelings and reasons that caused you to come to a different conclusion later?
Here are some of the thoughtful and poignant answers to my questions:
Harve Morgan (California) You don’t adopt—the dog will find you and adopt you. Have patience.
Marianne Good (Oregon) I have done both. The next time I will adopt two older cats that need love.
Kelly Hubbard (Washington) I’ve done both. When you’re ready, you’ll know.
Clair Eccles (United Kingdom) I have adopted—within six weeks being the soonest.
Robyn Hood (British Columbia) For myself, dogs come to me rather than my going looking. Ten days after Dobby passed, there was an emergency foster request. She is likely to stay.
Celia Haddon (United Kingdom) I foster for a bit.
Sara Sharp (Colorado) I get a new one as soon as possible to help fill the void in my heart. But . . . each person has to do what is right for them. There is no right or wrong on this subject.
Amy Suggars (Ohio) Three years ago I lost my two dogs within a week of each other. The first one (Fizz) had to be euthanized because of a degenerative nerve disease. My other dog (Zane) seemed perfectly healthy (to me) but was a bit depressed after we lost Fizz. That was understandable because he was very attached to me and I was quite upset. Other than not wanting to eat, he showed no other signs of being unwell. I came home from work exactly one week later to find Zane dead on his dog bed. I was doubly devastated and my already broken heart shattered further.
I told myself that I was never going to lose my heart to another dog and I would become a crazy cat lady. A few days later a friend called and offered to give me a young female flat-coated retriever (my breed of choice). Although my friend is a long-time breeder of FCRs and I knew this female would be beautiful inside and out and have a lovely temperament, I was still raw over the loss of Fizz and Zane. I was still planning on having cats from then on. My friend told me to take my time before making a decision. She hadn’t been planning to find a new home for this girl; she just thought the two of us would be good for each other. I spoke to another friend about the dog and my future with cats and she bluntly told me that I was and always will be a dog person, no matter how many cats I have. She was right. So after a few more days of contemplation, I said yes to the new dog.
We made arrangements to meet a week later at a location about halfway between our respective homes. It was about a five-hour drive for me. I cried the whole way there. I felt guilty and wondered if I really loved my boys if I could replace them so quickly. The whole trip out was spent looking back to the past and mourning. That changed as soon as I met the girl now known as Katydid (KD for short). She was beautiful and sweet and seemed to instantly understand how I felt. She licked my face and made me smile. My heart began to heal.
I spent the drive home focusing on what I needed to get for KD and looking forward to all the things we could do together. I realized that I wasn’t replacing Fizz and Zane. All the love and joy they gave me throughout their short lives allowed me to open my heart to Katydid. They would want me to be tail-waggingly happy! Three years later, KD and I are inseparable and I wouldn’t have survived the isolation of the pandemic without her. I don’t have the words to thank Judy enough for giving me the best present ever.
Photo by Amy Suggars
Cathy Collins (Michigan) I lost my 15-year-old Chihuahua in December 2012 due to kidney disease. I had a four-year-old schnoodle at the time. I knew I wanted another dog for us; I started looking on Petfinder in January 2013 and found a rescue (also a schnoodle) about three years old that I adopted on Martin Luther King Day. I grieved for my Chihuahua, but knew I had enough love to provide a homeless/rescued dog with what they had never had.
Jo Jacques (Massachusetts) We tend to add younger dogs (pups or adolescents) when the oldest is around six or seven, then again when those dogs turn six, so it’s kind of a cyclic thing. When my dogs have passed, we have always had others of various ages to help me through the grieving process. That said, it was a few years after Viking and Kona passed before I felt up to getting myself another dog (the other dogs in the household were my daughter’s).
Telani Lasoleille (Tennessee) My first dog, 20 years ago, was my heart dog. When I lost her, I was too emotionally overwhelmed to get another dog. The pain of losing her lasted more than 10 years. It has only been recently that I’ve been emotionally ready to have another dog, and I finally adopted one in February.
Teri Thorsteinson (Oregon) I have never been without at least one pet to comfort me when one passes, so I have never been in a situation where I’ve gone right out and adopted one because my house has been empty. Now that I’m retired and on a fixed income, my two 16-year-olds will be with me until they pass and I will not introduce another one until they are gone . . . but I will never go long without having a pet with me.
Donna Furneaux (Ontario) I have done both. When my first dog died, I got another the next day (both were beagles). I probably should have waited, but I was heartbroken. When this beagle died, I already had another dog, a rescue mutt, and I waited until I could find a non–pet-store beagle. That took about four months. The new beagle puppy tormented the mutt, and there was a problem with the cat who had bonded with the mutt and the second beagle. When the mutt died, we got our first Bichon. Again, this was several months later. The beagle fell in love with the Bichon and let her get away with murder. Beagles, I think, like being in a pack. When the last beagle died, we had to wait seven months before we got a second Bichon. The first Bichon was not happy at the wait. The second Bichon was a monster, but helped the first Bichon recover from the loss of her beagle buddy because she had to teach the monster Bichon who was boss. My conclusion from all of this, from the perspective of a two-dog household, is that it depends on the dog. For the humans? I could stand the wait and so could my mom, as long as there was one dog in the house.
Alisha Ardiana (California) We used to live in a place that did not allow pets. Despite that restriction, we had three cats. When all the cats died, I opted not to do anything, because of the no-pet rules. Within a month of moving into the condo we bought, I spontaneously looked on Petfinder and found our cat. What’s awesome is that in the interview, I confirmed that we did not have window screens, that the cat would be allowed outside, and that my wife did have allergies. Despite the fact that we did not even vaguely make the cut, the rescue could see that I knew what I was doing. The cat now thrives on our roof deck, and we have great air filters for my wife. I think it’s all about the timing.
Sandee Strobel Szabo (Virginia) My first pet loss was sudden, while I was married to my first husband; we had three other dogs so we didn’t get another one. We got divorced and placed one of the three dogs, and I kept the other two. When I got married for the second time, I had my two dogs, Nicole and Meringue, and he adopted a dog from the rescue I was with. Her name was Augusta, a nine-month-old Dalmatian mix, who was abandoned. It was 1997. When I lost one of my dogs, Nicole, we did not adopt another as we had the two, Meringue and Augusta. We had to make the decision to put Meringue, a white GSD/Lab mix, to sleep due to her health failing at age 15 years, 10 months, and 3 days. We decided to get another dog immediately, as we felt that Augusta needed a companion. We went to a local shelter and chose a dog, a hound mix about three years old, after he met Augusta. They seemed to get along, so after they met, we adopted him. Unfortunately, after 13 months, we had to make the decision to put him to sleep due to aggression; he tried to attack me almost daily. After putting him to sleep, we went to another shelter and put in an application on another dog, but we were third on the list. The president of the Humane Society of Fairfax County—where I volunteered and served on the board—then called me to tell me that the dog that she had been going to place with a friend was ours for the taking. We named him TeddyBear. He was about eight months old, a Lab/golden/shepherd mix (we think), and we had both Augusta and TeddyBear for many years until Augusta died in 2010. I do not regret adopting another dog immediately when we lost a dog and there was only one dog left in our home. We didn’t choose to get the same breed, as we were looking for a dog that fit with our remaining dog. After Augusta died in 2010, we decided to adopt older dogs since our other dog, TeddyBear, was older. Other reasons for deciding to adopt older dogs were many. I am a professional dog trainer who specializes in puppies, so I know what to expect with puppies and we didn’t want our older dog to have to deal with their antics. We also didn’t really want to deal with puppies’ house training, biting, destruction of items, and jumping on and biting our other dog.
Kathy Smith (North Carolina) I had two dogs when the love of my life, the “heart dog” that people aspire to own, passed away in 2017. I didn’t seek out any other dogs, as it was time for me to heal and learn to live without Rebel, and to give my younger dog my full attention, as he was also mourning the loss of his companion. Rebel was a 16.5-year-old Samoyed who lived a long and happy life. His spirit was willing to continue, but his body could not go on. He passed while I was away at a family reunion. He died in the arms of my best friend while asleep at home. Indy, my younger dog, is a softhearted empathetic dog and throwing another one into the mix immediately would have never worked. He also needed time to heal and figure out life without Rebel. It wasn’t until October 2021 that we met Loki, a 12-week-old Samoyed, at a National Specialty, and Indy decided that this was his puppy. Even then I didn’t accept that this was the dog we needed; I was on a trip to find myself after losing my mother that summer. Three days later, the contract was drawn up and Loki joined our family. I think we both needed that time and space to honor Rebel’s passing and to feel the void he left behind . . . and to realize what we needed when we needed it most. Loki has been a blessing through mourning two huge losses in our lives. He is the ray of sunshine in the dark storm clouds of grief.
Thanks to all whose comments on this topic have been shared in this week’s article and in the articles that preceded it in the previous three weeks, and to everyone who has read and responded to these blogs.
